Middle Aisle Raider

Age: 36
Experience: Not enough
Specialisation: African Sausage Cat Breeding

    About Me

    One of our Middle Aisle Raiders, Tom’s main roll is bringing the funnies. He holds down three jobs, so we don’t badger him with too much outside of the show, the only expectation is his presence, and the occasional Facebook post.

    Tom is the drunkest of all men. He described himself as an apprentice witchdoctor who lacks the ambition to ever qualify and pursue the career professionally. Tom once baked a loaf of bread so delicious; all the geese came back from Canada for a go, in the middle of winter. His favourite colour is smaragdine. 


    Tom was part of the team that delivered the Millennium Dome. He did the top bit, where the little spike is that marks the highest point. He said after he’d finished he was knackered and subsequently led down for fourteen years. That may seem like a long time, but its not to Tom, he’s weird.

    Tom misread ‘self’ as ‘shelf’ and sent us this anecdote.

    “I once put up some floating ones for my Mum. They looked great, but then late one night when everyone was in bed, they fell down and four out of the five people in the house shat their beds”.

    Photoshop is the best way to get Tom at a party. He often sends pictures of himself in fancy shirts as response to any invitation. Weddings, parties, funerals, fundraisers, you name it, Tom’s been photoshopped into it. If you’d like Tom to be photoshopped into your party, please get in touch. He often forwards pictures in advance just in case people hadn’t thought about photoshopping him in to their event.


    Drinking 5%
    Punctuality 4%
    Wearing Socks 50%
    Rendition of The Proclaimers 500%
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